In recent years, a wind has blown over the people of the world. A kind of new revival. A kind of new religion. This is spreading faster than wildfire and infecting all types of people in all walks of life and within all faiths in the religious part of the world, and in the secular part of the world. The central dogma, not to say the only dogma or creed of the liberal tabloid church is quite simple: Yes, thanks to everything. With such a principle as its irrefutable truth, there is no need for a large and heavy Bible.
The change of the Bible.
The basis for the liberal tabloid ‘Bible’ is indeed the same Bible that the ultra-conservative fundamentalists use, the so-called King James Version from 1611. The liberal tabloid ‘Bible’ is only in a somewhat modified or shortened edition. This somewhat shortened version of the Bible that the liberal tabloids use, contains, in the best liberalist spirit, only half a Bible verse, or to put it another way: the six words of Paul! This half verse is taken from 1 Corinthians chapter 6 verse 22, where Paul says the following that the liberal tabloids have pressed to their chest: All things are lawful unto me.
They do not need to deal with anything else, which has enormous practical significance for the liberal tabloid Christians. The entire Old Testament has been removed and what consequences this has had for the liberal tabloids we will look at in more detail here.
The Old Testament.
Now, since the entire Old Testament has been removed, they don’t have to deal with Moses and the prophets, which can be difficult enough for the most ultra-conservative fundamentalist! This in turn means that they don’t have to deal with all the difficult and complicated commandments that the Old Testament is so full of. All of this has been removed in the best liberal tabloid spirit. Every country’s Road Traffic Act is complicated and difficult enough for most people to know, yes, it is simply a trap for road users, which we can see when we travel in traffic every day. If we have this point in mind, i.e. the road traffic act’s problematic compared to and set against the content of the Old Testament, then we understand more easily why all these commandments with you shall … remember … and you shall not … have been removed. These commandments simply create confusion among people who already have more than enough to think about. There are far more important things to think about in everyday life than an eternal life with God. People have to make decisions on a daily basis about vital questions such as which red wine should I choose for today’s dinner? Should I drive a Tesla, Mercedes or BMW to work today? Not to mention; what colour should my hair be today? This and many, many other similarly vital questions plague the people of the world every single day. The Book of Psalms, Lamentations and the Song of Solomon are also gone, 1) partly because most homes now have TV, even smart TVs, and can watch MTV and whatever music videos they want to watch 24/7 with all the latest songs, and instead let Heavy rock bands, together with more or less scantily clad, almost half-naked ladies, sing their less edifying songs to them, and 2) partly because the organists who play in churches play in such a high pitch that it is impossible for most people to follow the song.
By removing all of this from the conservative Old Testament, you also get rid of all these stories, or the tales of lies as a friend of mine says. Many people have great difficulty understanding these tales of lies and several have even said that it is difficult to defend this in a liberal tabloid way. They think first and foremost of the stories about Creation, the Flood, Moses, Abraham and Isaac and Daniel to name a few. This makes the conservative Old Testament something that is only found in two places. One place is in the history books, which makes it much easier for the liberal tabloids because because they don’t have to bother themselves with these stories. Such stories can be sold as tabloid stories, no doubt about it, but then it is easy to lose focus on the liberalist basis they have for their religion, which must be avoided at all costs. The other place where you find the original Old Testament is with this group of conservative Christian fanatics or dark men as they are also called.
The New Testament.
The New Testament is also full of stories, or tales of lies as my friend mentioned earlier calls it. Just take all the stories about Jesus, everything from his conception to his spectacular ascension. By simply drawing a line over the mysterious conception, virgin birth, baptism, Jesus’ ministry, crucifixion, death, resurrection and ascension, the liberal tabloids, who actually, and deep down, do not even believe in this themselves, do not have to defend this to other sceptics who shake their heads and look at conservative fundamentalists as almost imbeciles and ignorant, yes, they simply consider them as ignorant fools. The rest of the four gospels and all 21 letters in the New Testament have also been erased, except for this one half verse from 1 Corinthians 6:22 where Paul says all things are lawful unto me. In this way, when it comes to the gospels, they avoid coming into conflict with their big ego, because the ego must be nurtured and cultivated every day and preferably for several hours a day. Since much of the material in the gospels is of such a nature and has the wording it has, it can easily be understood and interpreted as meaning that the liberal tabloids must spend their hard-earned time on, for example, evangelism and helping the poor and people in need, which clearly goes beyond, and hits, the obligatory ego worship in those circles very hard. The fact that the 21 letters are gone is also positive, because then the liberal tabloids will not be accused of being curious by reading other people’s letters. Just think about how you would react if your neighbour sat and read your private letters and emails when you came home from work!
Now it is only the Book of Revelation that remains, but it falls away of itself as long as it is founded and build on all the books of the Old and New Testaments. When this became clear to the liberal tabloids, there was a great jubilation in their camp because this book brought with it more confusion and uncertainty than the rest of the Bible combined. This book that John wrote on Patmos is full of half-baked and mysterious predictions, or prophecies as the fundamentalists call it. These prophecies tell of something as cruel and terrible as that judgment day will come at some point. Don’t the liberal tabloids have enough to think about beforehand so they can avoid having this on top of everything? It is problematic enough to provide (read; to earn) an income that can support a villa, a cottage or two, a boat and a couple of cars, not to mention three or four trips to the south every year. It is only right and reasonable that they should not go around thinking about such horrible scaremongering that conservatives base much of their faith on. Imagine a doomsday, it is bad enough to have to go to work to scrape together what you need for a life of abundance.
The renovation of the church buildings.
The liberal tabloids have noticed that not too many people visit the churches and have therefore expressed their willingness to take over the operation of these. In this regard, they would like to have good suggestions on what measures can be implemented to gather the same flock once a week. Some suggestions have already been received, and there is a large-screen TV in the church, bingo, coffee evenings with service and then of course only with St. Hallvard liqueur, a beauty contest, etc. So far, only the TV project has been tested with a large screen during a Winter Olympics so that the liberal tabloids could take a closer look at their new gods and demigods during church time.
After taking over the existing church buildings, it was imperative to make some minor technical changes to the buildings. According to our liberal tabloid friends, the churches they took over were in such a condition that the ceilings were low, the thresholds were too high, and the doors were too narrow. Liberals simply cannot enter the church as it has been designed until today. The church has become so narrow that it is not possible for a person to have two different opinions in their head about the same Bible verse at the same time. They have therefore looked into the matter and are now implementing a project they call ‘Come as you are – the church is for everyone’ which will make it easier for both those who are liberal, those who are tabloids and the liberal tabloids to enter. First, they will remove the threshold and any steps, which can easily become stigmatizing, so that they can enter without obstacles even if they shuffle their feet along the ground. Such a threshold and/or steps can quickly become a stumbling block. This will be the same as when they removed the Old Testament, and both parts have simplified the day and everyday life of the liberal tabloid congregation. They do not have to consider stumbling blocks and the like that may be lying around on the streets and alleys where good people travel. Then the doorway must be adjusted, a doorway that is both narrow and not least low, which is a direct result of the lack of ceiling height. To correct this, they must remove the doors with the framework, the outer walls and the partitions inside. This is completely in accordance with the removal of the New Testament. However, what came as a surprise to the renewal committee was that the problem with the lack of ceiling height solved itself, all on its own. This problem literally fell away by itself when the ceiling no longer had anything to support it and hold it up, exactly as it happened with the Book of Revelation when they had removed the foundations on which it was build. This sparked great joy in the liberal tabloid tenant.
The result exceeds the expectations.
After the renovation, the liberal tabloids have a church that everyone can enter, and even those who have two or more opinions on the same issue can easily enter this church. There are no problems for the right-wingers either, they do not have to humble themselves by bending down to enter through the door that until recently had been so far too low. The same applies to the well-born who no longer have to squeeze in, and who thus do not have to give up their gluttony. There is simply no door to squeeze through anymore. What an advance! As an added bonus, this church gained two further positive qualities. It had become more transparent and airy, and everyone could see everything that was going on in the church, and there were no secrets that could not withstand the light of day, as the liberal tabloids believe is the case in the conservative camp. When the walls and roofs were gone and the church buildings were completely renovated, no one was left freezing in the church anymore, all visitors dressed according to the weather, and in winter they of course dressed extra well. The rows of benches were also gone, so if necessary, they could jump and make a mess. Everyone who passed by could also look in and see how great the unity was in the church, a church that had gained an unparalleled ceiling height, and where there was room for all kinds of opinions. But the ones who were most pleased were all the cloak swingers, those who like to swing their cloaks in the wind. Now they don’t have to do it themselves because there is constantly a little wind, a little breeze and a little airing that goes through the church building, and the wind, as is well known, comes from all sides and then the cloaks swing in all directions without them having to lift a finger to help.
The sum of this is that the liberal tabloids have got a church that suits everyone, regardless of faith or not. It has changed and turned the fundamentalist mindset upside down, and has a dogma securely rooted in all things are lawful unto me … … something that will surely last until the end of time.